A Military Disaster Waiting to Happen

By: Bill Geist

I know we all should be supporting our president 110 percent these days, but I feel compelled to take issue with what seems to be his first major misstep in prosecuting the war on terrorism. I speak, of course, of his decision to immediately deploy Wayne Newton to entertain our troops.

What troops? World War I vets? The Vegas chapter of the V.F.W.? We must think clearly even in these troubled times. Do our young, active-duty troops these days really want to hear Wayne singing "Danke Schoen"? No. They want Britney Spears, Jay-Z and J-Lo. Not Wayne.

I'm old enough to be the father of these troops, and I don't want Wayne. He's 59, and has been for 50 years. I was a troop myself, having attended a Bob Hope U.S.O. performance in Vietnam, and although he was not of our generation (or that of our parents before us) I'll admit he got off some funny one-liners tailored to our disdain for the war and the locale. But he knew enough to bring along a bevy of good-looking, scantily clad female performers. I believe today's male soldiers would much rather see Victoria's Secret models - or even catalogs - than Wayne. President Clinton, although not a (military) veteran, would certainly have understood this important distinction. Not Mr. Bush.

In White House ceremonies broadcast right there on C-Span, the president announced that Wayne has been named to replace Bob Hope as the new front man of the U.S.O., and that he'll depart tomorrow on a holiday tour to entertain our fighting men and women overseas. Isn't it difficult enough being away from home on the holidays without this?

Questions arise: Will Shecky open for him? Isn't dropping Wayne on our own troops tantamount to friendly fire? And, how did this tactical blunder occur? Cheney, Powell, Rumsfeld, Rice? Could any of them have advised our commander-in-chief to do this? It clearly sends the wrong message to our soldiers, members of our fragile alliance and the evil-doers themselves, concerning our understanding of modern military forces and our willingness to commit our best resources to Operation Enduring Freedom. Could the president have consulted Strom Thurmond on this one?

In any case, Wayne said on TV that he's a very patriotic person and eager to help the war effort in any way he can. Perhaps, then, we might deploy him in a different manner: as a psy-ops (psychological operations) weapon.

These days, music is often effectively used against hostiles: from the New Jersey teacher who recently made bad kids stay after school and listen to his Sinatra albums; to a Connecticut college that forced misbehaving students to attend the opera as punishment; and even to President Bush's own father, who blared irritating rock and roll music at the Vatican embassy in Panama during Operation Just Cause until General Manuel Noriega gave up. So, why not point some big, kick-butt speakers at entrenched Taliban positions and bombard them relentlessly for 24 hours with "Danke Schoen", "Red Roses for a Blue Lady" and the punishing "Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast"?

By the time they hear the lyrics "How you tore your dress... what a mess", they'll come out of their caves, believe me. Wayne is better than mustard gas, and he's not outlawed by the Geneva Convention. Yet.