G.W. Gump: In His Own Words or It Takes a Village Idiot

By: Isaac Peterson

Anything you want the people reading this to know?

"The great thing about America is everybody should vote."

Why? To get shot down by the Supreme Court? Do you have any idea how many people saw through that whole farce and are still pissed at you and everybody that had anything to do with that?

"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."

But Gump-Gump, you WERE NOT ELECTED. You stole the office when Tony Soprano and his mob handed it over to you. How can you sit here in this office and tell me something as bull-goose loony as that? What were you thinking?

"...I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that."

Yeah, I can imagine that's all you'd be thinking about. But what about the large numbers of people in this country and around the world questioning the legitimacy of your administration?

"I would have to ask the questioner. I haven't had a chance to ask the questioners the question they've been questioning."

How about the people questioning whether you're up for the job?

"If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."

Yep, that's how people are feeling, alright. Let's move on. Since you shore up your reputation as a world class idiot on a daily basis, and your education didn't seem to be important to you, how can you claim to be interested in children's education? Is that really your wife the librarian talking?

"One reason I like to highlight reading is, reading is the beginnings of the ability to be a good student. And if you can't read, it's going to be hard to realize dreams; it's going to be hard to go to college..."

But you went to college, and you seem to barely be able to read, yourself.

"...So when your teachers say, read - you ought to listen to her. Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

I can honestly say that you are definitely the first one in the history of the English language to ask that question.

"Reading is the basics of all learning, We must have the attitude that every child in America - regardless of where they're raised or how they're born - can learn. You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal-federal cufflink. How do you lnow if you have a system that simply suckles kids through? I hope we get down to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know."

The way you speak and the discomfort you seem to have in front of a TelePrompter makes people wonder if you even know how to read or have dyslexia. Do you read?

"I read the newspaper. The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her."

You just got back from a disaster of a trip to Europe. Has that had any effect on your administration's foreign policy?

"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment. I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy."

Yes, I can see, foreign like your grasp of English. But tell me, Gump, what do you bring back from your experience over there?

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses. When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there. We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile. We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."

Pretty much everywhere in the world but corporate boardrooms and talk radio, you are taking an ass whupping of Biblical proportions on the Kyoto treaty. What did you have to say about that?

"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."

Last foreign policy question. What was your favorite country in Europe?

"I want to say how impressed I am by Poland's history past, present and future."

Yep, I think this would be a good time to move on to something else. Let's spend some time on global warming. You've said you don't believe in it, but how do you explain those huge chunks of ice breaking off of the polar ice caps? Are you concerned about the rising level of water in the ocean?

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

How does it make sense to destroy the environment so a few people can make a lot of money? How about the thousands of scientists around the world who believe global warming is real?

"I think if you know what to believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question. This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solutions to an end. I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."

Underestimating you?

"They misunderestimated me."

So you really do believe that business corporations should just go right ahead and do whatever they please, no matter what damage is done?

"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."

So is that why you broke your campaign promise to stand up to industry on CO₂ emissions?

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness. I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."

So you're bringing the people in California together by letting your big energy pals push this 'energy crisis' crappola?

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants. And we need a full affront on an energy crisis that is real in California and looms for other parts of our country if we don't move quickly enough."

So what you're saying is... what the hell are you saying?

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas. Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."

I don't even know how to try to follow up on that one. You got your tax cut passed and at one point you were saying that was the answer to the 'energy crisis' and pretty much everything else. How do you figure that?

"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness. The best way to relieve families from time to time is to let them keep some of their own money. Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. My plan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt. The Senate needs to leave enough money in the proposed budget to not only reduce all marginal rates, but to eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race. It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

????

"I know how hard it is to put food on your family. We ought to make the pie higher."

Would you do me a favor? Could you do that pie thing right now, while I'm here? Because I have been dying to see how you pull off that one. No? Okay, any last words you want to say before we end this?

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth. Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we're not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We're a party that welcomes people. That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century. ...I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be - a literate country and a hopefuller country."

Is that it?

"I think we agree, the past is over."

Yeah, well, that's one thing we can agree on, Gump. Tell you what, my head is killing me trying to follow all that. Let's wrap it up. But when you do that pie thing, you've gotta send me a videotape.

Epilogue:

There is one thing I have to say after speaking with Gump. I came away believing that he really can do one thing that he claimed while campaigning. I believe that George W. Gump really can restore this world to what it once was: a red-hot, flaming ball of molten lava.

All words in quotations are things Gump has actually said.